Free write...

I don't know exactly when it happened, there was no big bang to mark it...no sudden change in the wind...no bright light to warn me...but somewhere along the way, something that seemed so perfect and so right began to come undone at the seams.

Every year I try to convince myself that I'm just a little bit wiser, a little bit better than the last...but I've also learned that as much as I think I know...there is infinitely more that I don't know, and may never understand. But not for lack of trying. The last few weeks I've been high and low...asking myself the same question..trying to quantify what it is that makes me truly happy...my need to control and categorize has me spinning at the thought of not being able to find a neatly defined answer. It's like trying to hit a moving target...

So this is about new beginnings...always moving, always pushing forward, getting better, trying harder..
There are no tears because this isn't about sadness...if there's something I do well, it's accepting the lesson...so I'm trying. I'm being vague..I know. There has been some new poetry which I'll be putting up as soon as the dust settles...and I'm really going to try to be better at this blogging thing in 2009.

So all the best in the New Year! I pray you nothing but love and laughter..

p.s. I didn't get my grant. I haven't given up though...there are other ways.

Live and Learn

I meant to put up the second part of my trip...there's just too much life going on right now. There've been some major changes and I need to allow myself time to adjust and regroup. I'll be back with new poetry and hopefully a new outlook...

love, love, love...and mean it.

Sugar colored girl

I'm back! And my trip was amaaaazing! I don't even know where to start. The beginning maybe? okay...

Day 1 - Nov 23

I left Edmonton at about 9 am, met up with my sister in Calgary...then flew Calgary to new york. I've actually never been to New York...picture Hiro Nakamura after he time travels to Time Square...okay not quite :) But just so excited! We had just enough time for dinner at Bubba Gump and drinks at the W and straight to bed..early flight the next day.

Day 2 - Nov 24

4 hour flight from JFK to Puerto Plata...The plane lands and people start applauding..like Naija style lol! Actually the entire airport experience was a lot like the Nigerian experience. The first thing I notice once we got out was how BEAUTIFUL these people are. I kid you not...I have not ever been surrounded by so many good looking people! So we waited for the other 2 girls to arrive..2 more would arrive the next day. Got a cab to the Ocean Manor Resort where we stayed. Beautiful place..did i mention beautiful! Everyone there was so friendly..we were welcome with a tray of great looking punch..um..with ice..of course I politely declined..I didn't get my shots remember? Hepatitis?! yeah. lol
So we get settled into our beautiful pool side room and then went to dinner at the resort restaurant...







YUMM!
Spent the rest of the evening by the pool.

Day 3 - Nov 25
There's nothing better than waking up knowing that you can spend the rest of the day doing nothing!



Had breakfast at the resort restaurant, and then walked along the beach into town for a little shopping.



Though the resort was beautiful, it is difficult to ignore the kind of poverty that people are actually living in...but even through all of it, people seemed genuinely happy and extremely welcoming to us.




Shopping is a lot like the naija experience

Buyer: How much is this?
Seller: 500 pesos
Buyer: 200!
Seller: 300 pesos last price
Buyer: I saw it for cheaper down the street
Seller: Okay 250
Buyer: 220
Seller: okay

Battering is something I've never really been good at..especially when someone in need is trying to sell something to me. Like this guy...who somehow convinced me to buy a bracelet I didn't want or need. How could you say no to this face? He also threw in a cute little anklet..I haven't taken either off since.




We spent a couple of hours laying on the beach with cold drinks. My sister and friend got massages, I really just wanted to relax and read my book (The Kite Runner! why am I just reading this book...so good! More on it later)



We met up with the last 2 girls to arrive back at the resort. The "sugar colored girls" were born :) That's what we were christened by the guys at the hotel...like brown sugar. I guess seeing 6 black females vacationing is a rarity at this resort, cause everyone seemed quite taken by us all.
We went out for dinner, drinks and dancing!










More later!!

Sun, Sand, Sea

I leave for the Dominican Republic tomorrow! So excited. I didn't do my 40 sit ups a day as promised, nor did I go to spa lady once this week!! Sad..sad..sad. I did find a fantastic bathing suit that keeps the wobbly bits from spilling over, so I'm quite pleased about that...plus I should just really accept myself and not try to live up to the unrealistic standards of beauty that plague young black women today *power to the love handles!* haha.
So, the whole time I've been planning this trip, it didn't once occur to me to..maaaybe get some shots before I go..I decided my naija blood can handle ANYTHING! I keep having flashbacks to that Hepatitis commercial..the one with the ice cubes...yeah. So I'll just drink bottled water and avoid ice cubes... I should be fine...right?....right?
Really looking forward to New York also...hopefully when I return I'll have lots to say about my Nuyorican experience.

Till then,
Love, love, love!!!

Common and I

So, I met one of my idols a little while back...you might know him..his name is Common, he does a little rapping...yeah
Soon as I heard he was coming to Canada, I got online and booked a plane ticket almost immediately! I flew to Vancouver BC to see him perform. N.E.R.D opened for him..yeah..about that. I don't know what it is but I have NEVER gotten into N.E.R.D. I don't really get their music...I mean I like Pharell (Pharrell? who cares!) when he's all "beautifuuuul" with snoop dogg. But anything after that, my eyes glaze over and I just go blank...couple that with him being the only thing standing between me and Common...I was just not having it. And who are the other N.E.R.D guys anyway??
So Common finally came out on stage and I just about fell over. He's just as ammmaaazing live as he is on his CD...on repeat..at an unsafe volume..with my face pressed against the cd player...*ahem* I digress.
I went to the concert with my sister and a some friends, and she managed to get me a backstage pass. How? It's a long story...it involves two 14 year old girls, an ugly bouncer, and their "not very mom looking" mom...I've said too much already. So anyway, the show ends...and we are led back stage by someone named Moses...I kid you not! okay I'm lying...I don't know dudes name. At this point I can barely see straight. I'm about to see someone that I have literally idolized for years. No time to check a mirror to make sure I didn't look like a deranged fan...well I did..and I am...so anyway, we're led back stage to where he's taking pictures with other crazy fans. The following is a reenactment of how I met Common.

Deranged fan (DF) approaches Common and is blinded by a ray of majestic light surrounding a tall handsome figure in white

Common: Hi
DF: *mumble mumble high pitched squeal* hiii
Common: *pointing* I saw you in the crowd
DF: *did he just point at me* eeeee! *mumble mumble, squeal squeal*

DF hands camera to random bystander and stands next to Common
DF: *oh my God, he just put his arm around me* *shake shake faint*

Yes that's exactly how it happened. Minus the dramatic fainting part. Did I have something insightful and profound to say to him?? NO! I just stood there shaking....shameful.

Still waiting to hear back about the grant that I applied for. I intend on starting the process of making the album next month, so hopefully I get a response back soon. In the mean time, I've been writing like crazy...got a little more inspired after my trip to Calgary. I really just can't wait to just start.

Also, I'm going on a trip to the Dominican Republic with my sister and some friends. Yay! I leave on sunday. We'll be going through New York, so the plan is to go to the Nuyorican while we're there. Possible open mic performance? We'll see...we'll see. So yes, in lieu of my upcoming trip, I've sentenced myself to 40 situps a day! I'll be at spa lady all week, running my ass off. I need to be in tip top, bikini wearing shape come Sunday. Wish me luck!

Allow Me To Introduce Myself!

It's been forever! And everyday I get on my computer and see my blog sitting on the bookmark...and then I procrastinate a little more :)
There's so much to say, I don't even know where to start! So i'll try the beginning...
So I've been going on with this blog under a veil of semi anonymity for quite some time, not for any particular reason...but I guess it's a little bit of that fear of being a little too open and exposed. I don't talk to people about my blog or where to find it, which I've realized makes no sense. This is about sharing my art, and talking about the progress I've made in the last little while. So the veil is lifted, because I need to share who I am, so that I can really share my poetry. So I.. Titi Sonuga, officially welcome you :)

So what have I been to the last little while...plenty! I've been seeking out avenues to perform every chance I get. I was recently in Calgary for the Canadian Festival of Spoken Word...and people! There is so much great talent here. I have never felt so completely enraptured and inadequate at the same time. I'm talking heavy hitters. One poet that touched me the most was Dwayne Morgan. Not only for what this man is capable of on stage, but because of how incredibly intelligent he is off stage. As part of the festival, he held a workshop called "Living to Create" in which he talked about how to do what you love and still make a living. He's been living off poetry for 15 years! 15 years! He had so many insightful things to say, and I honestly feel so much better equipped to continue on with this thing.
Since Edmonton didn't have a slam team (boooooo!!) I signed up to do 2 open mic slots while I was there. Both went really well!
I have a friend who also writes amazing poetry (in secret!). She had never performed her poems in public till the open mic that weekend....she was sooo great! She's honest and authentic...the two things that to me, make a great poet! So keep it up friend! (I know you're reading this! lol)

Here are a couple of poets from that night Marcus Jameel and Poetic Speed.





Me doing "I AM" at the Cafe Beano open mic..i'll put up the other videos later.



I'll be back soon to talk about how I met Common..yes..Common :)

Still here

Yeah it's been a long while. I'm still here though, I just have a lot of things going on right now. Good things...definitely making lots of progress with poetry. I'll have a detailed update soon.

love love love!

Feature Poet: Jill Scott

Yes! I know it's been a while, but the feature poet is back! This week it is none other than Jill Scott. This powerhouse of a woman! One of the few musicians that forces me to just close my eyes and sway at whatever she says! She is bold and beautiful, and completely unapologetic about being a strong black woman. Needless to say, I LOVE her! So much that I couldn't decide which of these to post...Here are 2 of my favorites. Yes, I realize the Mighty Mos Def is featured, but he deserves his very own post...so for today...Jill Scott

Killer Blinks!

I did the killer blinks yesterday, and just loved it! There were probably about 70 poets there...the place was just buzzing. My poem was really well received...I even won a prize! So good night all around. I have another show lined up for tomorrow, this time I get 5 minutes...which when compared to 30 seconds feels like forever. Not too much to update. My grant application went in on the first of this month, I'm getting set to put together another application, more on the marketing front this time...so if they both come through I'll be set and ready to make this album happen. More later!

Edmonton Poetry Festival

I'm doing the edmonton poetry festival this week. It runs from Sept 11 - 13. The first show i'm doing is called Revenge of the Killer Blinks. It's basically 60+ poets with 30 seconds at the mic. "Rapid Fire Poetry" indeed. So at first I was going to do an old piece edited down to 30 seconds. Then I decided to do a piece that played around with the idea of 30 seconds at the mic. And this is what I came up with (Which kinda sounds like a mixture of old poems i've written...but I like it). My second show is on the 13th at the edmonton public library...should be way more relaxed. Check out the schedule here


30 seconds for
War child
To become man
Another skirt
Torn away
Two angry hands
Grabbing and touching
Reveal shame and guilt
Little girl tears stain the earth

20 Seconds
Another child born
To AIDS infected mother
One last breath escapes
Battered body
One more orphan
Joins 50 million

10 Seconds
Tired infant body
Hungry heart stops beating
Malnutrition, Mumps, Malaria

1
billion cries across Africa
For hope,
For peace
For love

There's this thing that sits solid and heavy on my spirit. Like something that needs saying...but I don't know what it is. I have been too much disorder these past few weeks, and not enough of the steady and silence that I need to write. I need to write. I'm a mess of words swirling, and something that feels like a memory that needs recalling. I am too good at shutting people out. Too good at getting by alone. I am that friend that suddenly stops returning phone calls, would sometimes rather stay home and read a book, than be around people. And in the next instance, I am that friend that rallies the girls together, dances wildly at the club...vodka cran..big smile. I am too much hot and cold sometimes. And I find it hard to forgive, harder to forget. I can end a friendship clean and completely, over one act of dishonestly. I hate being lied to. It insults my intelligence. Anyone who thinks I'll believe a lie, must believe I'm too stupid to figure out the truth.

I felt the lie even before you said it, that quick flicker in your eye gave it away before you pursed your lips to insult me. I had already moved you from that space reserved for best kept secrets, inside jokes, and "remember that time?" into the space labeled DO NOT TRUST. And even after the apology that I knew would come, even after the acknowledgement, that I was really just "something to talk about", a little bit of gossip to pass the time, I knew that you could never re-enter that space. It's the forgetting that I can't do. And I have tried. Because we have been at this friendship for too long. You were the one that knew to enjoy those nights of wild dancing, savour the days when I was open and carefree. Knew to give me time when I needed quiet, and knew when to call me up and say "Enough now, we're going out". We had this... no need to finish sentences type friendship...you already knew. Would cut you a look that could tell a whole story. We had too many stories. So there's this memory that needs revisiting...I'm not sure why or what exactly, but this need to set myself aside from you, this swirling of words that settles on your name for just a moment...makes me think it might be you. Three years after the apology and the "lets start over", I'm still struggling with the forgetting. I just need to write.

Too late we learn, a man must hold his friend, unjudged, accepted, trusted to the end - John Boyle O'Reilly

Sky high gele, bold and beautiful!

Finally...a moment. This weekend was super busy. My sister got married, and it was just so beautiful. Lots of prayers, dancing, singing, EATING! I almost overdosed on Jollof rice and chicken this weekend! This was the first marriage in my family, so it was all brand new to all of us. Everything went well though...well other than the part were I sat on something and stained my dress just before we walked into the church. I'm walking down the isle thinking "please don't notice, pleaaase don't notice!" And no one did, or they were just lying...who knows. We changed into traditional for the reception, pink ankara dresses with gele . Lets talk about me in my "sky high gele!" What was gele created for, if not to punish women!?? For the engagement ceremony, two nights before the church wedding, I attempted to tie my gele by myself. Many offered to help me, but I, in my stubbornness decided that it was a mountain that I had to climb on my own. Well, I eventually managed to tie it, but not without suffering temporary hearing loss, and severe headaches!! Good times though.

I went into the studio yesterday to record "Mama", the second piece for my grant application. This piece actually got me kinda choked up during recording. This has never happened before. But something about it sounded so organic that I didn't re-record. So let me tell you how I love Oozeela! I am sooo happy that I've chosen him as my producer for this album. He listened to the piece, and literally stole a melody out of my heart and played it on his keyboard! Like that wasn't enough, he decided to add in some of his vocals as well! I'm just so excited to start working on this album! Grant or no grant, I'm doing this thing.

Feature Poet - Gil Scott Heron ...and more

So I've finally finished the grant application! I'll be submitting 2 sample pieces one of which is "I am" and the other will be "Mama". I need to to go into the studio this week to record "Mama" and then I'll be sending off the application and praying and hoping for the best. I heard back from the Edmonton Poetry Festival, they'll be putting up a schedule shortly and then I'll know when and where I'll be performing! yay! I've got so much on the fly with my sister's wedding coming up this weekend. I haven't had a chance to read or write much lately, but hopefully when the dust settles I'll be able to get back into the swing of things.



So the feature poet for this week is Gil Scott Heron, who has been described as the mouthpiece for the black person in America in the 70s and 80s. He is an amazing poet, who was never afraid to stand up and be heard! This is definitely one of his more popular pieces and definitely one of my favorites.

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

You will not be able to stay home, brother.
You will not be able to plug in, turn on and cop out.
You will not be able to lose yourself on skag and skip,
Skip out for beer during commercials,
Because the revolution will not be televised.

The revolution will not be televised.
The revolution will not be brought to you by Xerox
In 4 parts without commercial interruptions.
The revolution will not show you pictures of Nixon
blowing a bugle and leading a charge by John
Mitchell, General Abrams and Spiro Agnew to eat
hog maws confiscated from a Harlem sanctuary.
The revolution will not be televised.

The revolution will not be brought to you by the
Schaefer Award Theatre and will not star Natalie
Woods and Steve McQueen or Bullwinkle and Julia.
The revolution will not give your mouth sex appeal.
The revolution will not get rid of the nubs.
The revolution will not make you look five pounds
thinner, because the revolution will not be televised, Brother.

There will be no pictures of you and Willie May
pushing that shopping cart down the block on the dead run,
or trying to slide that color television into a stolen ambulance.
NBC will not be able predict the winner at 8:32
or report from 29 districts.
The revolution will not be televised.

There will be no pictures of pigs shooting down
brothers in the instant replay.
There will be no pictures of pigs shooting down
brothers in the instant replay.
There will be no pictures of Whitney Young being
run out of Harlem on a rail with a brand new process.
There will be no slow motion or still life of Roy
Wilkens strolling through Watts in a Red, Black and
Green liberation jumpsuit that he had been saving
For just the proper occasion.

Green Acres, The Beverly Hillbillies, and Hooterville
Junction will no longer be so damned relevant, and
women will not care if Dick finally gets down with
Jane on Search for Tomorrow because Black people
will be in the street looking for a brighter day.
The revolution will not be televised.

There will be no highlights on the eleven o'clock
news and no pictures of hairy armed women
liberationists and Jackie Onassis blowing her nose.
The theme song will not be written by Jim Webb,
Francis Scott Key, nor sung by Glen Campbell, Tom
Jones, Johnny Cash, Englebert Humperdink, or the Rare Earth.
The revolution will not be televised.

The revolution will not be right back after a message
bbout a white tornado, white lightning, or white people.
You will not have to worry about a dove in your
bedroom, a tiger in your tank, or the giant in your toilet bowl.
The revolution will not go better with Coke.
The revolution will not fight the germs that may cause bad breath.
The revolution will put you in the driver's seat.

The revolution will not be televised, will not be televised,
will not be televised, will not be televised.
The revolution will be no re-run brothers;
The revolution will be live.

Having my cake and eating it too!

Happy birthday to me! So it's been another year full of life and growth and love...I am so thankful! I also realized that I missed the 1 year anniversary of my blog which was actually on August 2nd, so happy anniversary blog!

I continue to learn that you can always start over. Fall and stand up, fall and stand up, again and again and again and again!!

Here's to another year of living, loving and learning

Love, love, love!

Feature Poet: Saul Williams

So I fully intended on doing this feature poet thing on the same day every week, but I was too busy Cariwesting this weekend! Don't get me started on how my heels were aching so bad last night that I couldn't sleep. But yes, the feature poet this week is none other than Saul Williams. In my opinion, one of the great poets of our time. I cannot say enough about this man! He has been such an inspiration to me. This particular poem is one of my favorites, I get chills each and every time I hear it.

Jump and wave!

This weekend is the Cariwest festival! It's an annual weekend of food, dancing and all round festival fun...aka an excuse to dress scantily and act wild. This is my 8th year in the parade, playing with the Trincan Steel Orchestra. The parade starts at 12:30 pm and goes for hours and hours in the BLAZING sun! Not always the best when you're standing behind reflective steel pans in 31 degree heat! Lord help me. I love it though, next to poetry...it is music...music. I've felt such an emotional connection to a melody, that I'm almost brought to tears..perhaps I should've kept that to myself.

So if you're in the downtown Edmonton area this weekend, come to Cariwest, and bring your dancing shoes! Also a friend of mine is involved in putting on the Afrikadey Festival this year, so if you're in Calgary, go check that out!

I'm still writing and trying to get the poetry thing going...no I have not forgotten that the deadline is creeping up.

Go out and enjoy the sun this weekend!
Love, love, love!

On and on...

So...nothing new lately. Had another grant meeting on saturday and finally finished the write-up for the grant! Just a bit of editing and formatting left to be done and it should be good and ready for the September 1st deadline. Still waiting to hear back about the poetry festival, the sign-up deadline for that is August 15th (my birthday!), so likely sometime after that I'll know if i'm in or *gasp* out. In the meantime I'm writing like crazy, trying to pull inspiration from everywhere.

I went with my parents to a car dealership last friday. (My mom is shopping around for a new whip). Now my parents are very well educated people, speak perfect English in fact, but often times people are too focused on the fact that they're a) black and b) have a Nigerian accent to be bothered to listen properly when they speak. It is extremely frustrating to me when my mom turns to me for help when the very English I speak, I learnt from her. She speaks 3 languages!! My parents gave up so much for us to be in this country, so that we could actually have a fighting chance in this crazy world. Anyways..that's a whole other blog entry. So i'm watching my parents talking to the dude at the car dealership, and I'm hit (almost literally hit in the face) by a poem I just had to write. Just got my iphone this week, and it has a neat little "notes" application on it. So right then and there I started writing...I have this new piece about my parents that I'll be posting just as soon as I'm satisfied that it's "finished". It will likely be on my upcoming album (you like how I slipped that in there ;))

So yeah...nothing new, but lots in the making. My sister's getting married in a couple of weeks!! eeee! oh and it's my birthday soon :)

love love love!

Feature Poet: Lauryn Hill

Alright, so I've decided to have a post with a feature poet every week. It'll be a chance to showcase people and lyrics that inspire me. I'll start this off with one of my favorite singer/rapper/poet/wonder woman lol. Even though she has checked out a little bit as of late. Lauryn Hill is a master lyricist!! She'll probably be featured a lot here cause almost everything she spits is FIRE!




Mystery of Iniquity

Ya'll can't handle the truth in a courtroom of lies
Perjures the jurors
Witness despised
Crooked lawyers
False Indictments publicized
Its entertainment...the arraignments
The subpoenas
High profile gladiators in bloodthirsty arenas
Enter the Dragon
Black-robe crooked-balance
Souls bought and sold and paroled for thirty talents
Court reporter catch the surface on the paper
File it in the system not acknowledged by the Maker
Swearing by the bible blatantly blasphemous
Publicly perpetrating that "In God We Trust"
Cross-examined by a master manipulator
The faster intimidator
Receiving the judge's favor
Deceiving sabers doing injury to they neighbors
For status, gratis, apparatus and legal waivers
See the bailiff
Representing security
Holding the word of God soliciting perjury
The prosecution
Political prostitution
The more money you pay.. the further away solution
Legal actors
Babylon's benefactors
Masquerading as the agency for the clients
Hypocritical giants
Morally non-compliant
Orally armed to do bodily harm
Polluted, recruited and suited judicial charm
And the defense isn't making any sense
Faking the confidence of escaping the consequence
That a defendant is depending on the system
Totally void of judgment purposely made to twist em'
Emotional victim blackmailed by the henchmen
Framed by intentions
Inventions whereby they lynch men
Enter the false witness slandering the accused
Planting the seed openly showing he's being used
To discredit, edit, headed for the alleged
Smearing the individual fearing the unsuspected
Expert witness (the paid authority)
Made a priority to deceive the majority
Of disinterested peers
Dodging duty for years
Hating the process
waiting to be returning to their careers
Do we expect the system made for the elect
To possibly judge correct?
Properly serve and protect?
Materially corrupt
Spiritually amuck
Oblivious to the cause
Prosperously bankrupt
Blind leading the blind
Guilty never defined
Filthy as swine
A generation purin it's own mind
Legal extortion
Blown out of proportion
In vein deceit
The truth is obsolete
Only two positions:
Victimizer or Victim
Both end up in destruction trusting this crooked system
Mafia with diplomas keeping us in a coma trying to own a piece
of the "American Corona"
The Revolving Door
Insanity every floor
Skyscraping, paper chasing
What are we working for?
Empty traditions
Reaching social positions
Teaching ambition to support the family superstition?
When the Son of Podition is Commander in Chief
The standard is Thief
Brethren can we candidly speak?
Woe to the men
Trusted in the chariots dem'
Leaning on horses
They run their intellectual sources
Counterfeit wisdom creating the illusion of freedom
Confusion consumes them
Every word they speak it turns them out really white
Internally they absent of light
trapped in the night and bonded to the Cain of the night
Under the curse
Evil men waxing more worse
Faxing the first
Angelic being cast to the earth
It's time for rebirth
Burnin up the branch and the root
The empty pursuits of every tree bearing the wrong fruit
Turning me ill
Let him who stole, no longer steal
Oh it's real
Surrender for Jehovah is real
How long will you sleep
Troubled by the thoughts that YOU keep
The idols YOU heap
Causing the destruction you reap
Judgment has come
Find it and return to the One
Abandon the flesh
Self-interest: Broadway to death
Pride and the Greed
Hide and subdividing the seed
The knowledge of Good and Evil is what caused us to lie
Caused us to die
Let your emotions be crucified
Renounce all your thoughts
Repent and let your mind be re-taught
You'll find what you sought...was based on the deception you bought
A perception of naught
Where the majority remains caught

Loving a lie
Not realizing in Adam, all die

Loving a lie
Not realizing in Adam, all die

Loving a lie
Not realizing in Adam, all die

Loving a lie
Not realizing in Adam, all die


It's the mystery of Inequity
Say it's the history of Inequity
Say it's the misery of Inequity
When it all...
All falls down
I'm telling you all...
It all falls down

Another day at the office...

I want you to know
That I hear it
Behind the calculated smiles
When you decide at first sight
What this face is worth
And I see it
When you glance from
Long extensive resume to
Brown face in disbelief
Because my achievements don’t fit neatly
Into the little box you prepared to put me in

I feel it inside that stunned silence
In boardroom conversation
When the unexpected woman voice
Springs forth from black mouth
Speaks clear and coherent
But even though my lips are moving
You can’t seem to hear me
I have pieced together thought and logic
But you can’t bring yourself to understand it
Because I’ve denied you
The usual defenses
You will not use my so called “africanness”
To dangle success from my reach

But beneath freshly pressed pencil skirts
And crisp white collars
I carry her in my spirit even now.
That girl,
Before the
Stand up straights,
Don’t talk with your mouth full,
And color within the lines.
I am still that barefoot brown girl
Running wild on dusty roads
Carrying the dreams of an entire race

What happens in Vegas...

So where have I been this weekend?? Oh nowhere major...just partying with Jamie Foxx and Lil' John at Tao night club...Tao where??? LAS VEGAS!! lol! I've actually been to Vegas before, but this time around was even better! My older sister is getting married in a few weeks, so we went down to Vegas with a few friends, 8 girls in total to party it up before the big day. We only had the weekend, so we had to pack in the fun!!

Day 1: Arrive in Vegas at 4:30 pm.
I didn't check in any luggage, so I wouldn't have to wait for it or risk it getting lost and have to wear the same dress for 3 days. My sister and friend did, so had to wait anyway lol. We hop on a shuttle bus from the airport to Treasure Island (TI) were we stayed. Shuttle bus driver was a nut case and kept yammering to himself the whole ride. He also decided to drop everyone off at their hotels first, and took the longest route possible. In 40+ degree Celsius weather, I was less than impressed. Not a good start. Well we didn't get to our hotel till about 6:30 pm, when in reality it should have taken 10-15 minutes! ugh! We quickly get ready and walk down the strip to Todai, an all you can eat seafood place. It was NOT a short walk and the sun was blazzzzzing hot! Food was so so. Day 1 was not looking very awesome. But it quickly got better. We picked up some giant margaritas on our walk back, which really helped with the heat. We ran into a random dude on the street who gave us passes for a night club called...guess...POETRY! I decided it was just meant to be. So later than night, we get dolled up and head to poetry. Turned out to be an ALL R&B and Hip hop place, with poetry on the walls! The place was packed with black people! Music was really good and we had a great great time.

Day 2: Vip n Vegas
We wake up semi-early to try to beat the sun, and maybe have a more comfortable walk down the strip...no such luck. But we braved it anyway, went shopping at a couple of malls, and did some general gallivanting. My sister Kemi had set up a package with VipnVegas, which turn out to be awesome! good look Kemi! So we get picked up at 10pm from our hotel in a big yellow hummer limo, music already bumpin! So after a few (hundred) pictures, we hop in and basically started the party right in the limo. We were back there just acting a fool, the limo driver eventually joined in and was dancing up front. funny funny. We do an hour tour of the strip and he drops us off at the Jet night club. We met up with a second guy with VipnVegas who got us into the club for free99 and no line up! The club was sooooo goood!!! 3 different rooms, all playing really good music! One room was particularly hype, so we stayed there a little while. My sister had a checklist of task to complete as bride to be, which involved dancing on tables, and things of that sort. She only managed 3 or 4, but she definitely had a blast. So after sweating up a storm at jet, we leave. 4 of us decide to head over to Tao night club since we had gotten some vip passes earlier in the day. We walk in and it's pretty dead downstairs, upstairs...just live! Then we hear this male voice say, " My first name is Jamie, my middle name is motherf**ing and my last name is Foxx, so you can call me Jamie motherf**ing foxx!!" AAHH! so he was there with Lil John! We stayed a while... danced, and then when I could barely walk any longer, we decided it was time to call it a night. I walked barefoot back to the hotel!

Day 3: Up at 9:00 am...didn't I just go to bed??
We head down to the pool and hung out for a while, it wasn't too hot yet, so it was still nice. Got a bit of a bathing suit tan, which I need to get rid of before the wedding! The rest of the morning, was packing and cleaning up. My flight out was at 2:00pm. Now lets talk about that...I need to dedicate a whole section to West Jet!


West Jet!
So..when I booked my return flight, I'm pretty sure there was only one connection in Vancouver BC, but nnooo... West jet decided that I wanted to go to Kelowna BC as well! Thanks for that..The flight was terrible! Sooo rocky! I usually love flying, always get a window seat. I had my eyes closed in prayer for most of this terrible terrible flight. I was not impressed! I finally arrive back home, only for them to decide that my luggage needs to be on the same carousel as 3 other flights!! I just wanted to go HOME! Anyway, I eventually made it home, and went straight to bed. Back at work at 8am this morning, I feel like I haven't slept in days...well I kinda haven't..

It was really really good times though! I'll be posting another new poem soonish.

New poem

Okay I haven't put up any new poems in a while. Here's one of the newer ones, it's actually one of the poems I did for Jali. It was inspired by a conversation about misunderstandings between black men and women. I really like this one because I literally wrote and "finished" it overnight. I had a deadline to meet and I just really focused in and made it happen, and I'm really proud of that. As usual I don't really have a title for it, but one of the guys suggested "King" so here it is :)

King

We wait on our love letters
in heavy silence
bottle up frustrations
to drink in daily doses
stash pieces of you
in pocket spaces
try to claim you whole

We are your women
molded from rib bone
Flesh of your flesh
Tasted forbidden fruit
Find ourselves
exposed and aware
naked but unashamed
bold, black, beautiful

So we no longer apologize
For tough skin
quick tongue
high expectations
We, born for greatness
Can accept no less
So we demand of you
What you were created for

Make right
distorted images
and see us
willing and open
not angry or bitter
tired and ready
aching to be seen
past head swinging
And eye rolling
vulnerable and needing
You
to strip past
hard shell and layers
hold us on high pedestals
call us by name

And we feel you still
even in your absence
like phantom limbs
wax and wane
like ying yang philosophy
inevitable
like karmic settlement
twin souls reunited

Free at last!

So I got my sisterlocks this weekend. 38 hours! It was definitely a journey! See when you sit in a chair for 38 hours, you have lots of time to contemplate life, I really could've plotted total world domination in that time lol! But it got me thinking about the standards of beauty that we as black people hold ourselves to. Two completely different females, who might hate each others guts can at least agree on one thing...The Black Woman's Hair Struggle. We've all been there. Relaxer, texturizer, braids, weaves, grease, oil, hot comb, flat iron, chisel, wrench!! But really though thinking about how much I've put on/done to my hair in my lifetime is quite shocking. At what point did I decide that my natural hair was not good enough? not sure, I actually have no memory of having natural hair, I must've gotten relaxer slapped on my head at a very early age. I can't really blame my mom though, with 4 daughters to care for...she probably felt like relaxer was the only way out. But all my life I've been fighting to convince my hair to do just the opposite of what it naturally wants to do, so about 3 years ago I decided to give up the fight. Went downstairs into the basement and just snipped my hair all the way down to the 1" of new growth that I had. The look on my mom's face when I came back upstairs cannot be described. She didn't say much, likely because she thought I was crazy and didn't want to provoke me. Getting sisterlocks was like someone saying..okay, enough now. So 38 hours of liberation lock after lock was nothing compared to the years that I've been a prisoner to my hair! It was long, but well worth it, at the end of the last lock the consultant and I actually hugged! You get really close to a person when they've been in your head for 38 hours. So here's to being set free and being able to devote time to the more important people or things in my life!

In poetry world...I signed up for the Edmonton Poetry Festival in September, I'm looking forward to hearing from them. I also finally sent in a membership form for the Stroll of Poets Society

Time to get busy...

Sooo I had a meeting this weekend to talk about putting this album together, and my goodness...I need to get to work! I've quickly realized that I have no plan. I really need to define, very quickly what I want this album to say, and how. What I really want is for it to flow, I want it to tell a story from beginning to end. Everything just has to go! So I'm getting down to work...I've been writing a lot lately...I really love this sudden burst of inspiration, when the ideas are flowing faster than I can type or write. I don't get this feeling often, so I'm really trying to ride the wave and take advantage of it. I wrote 2 pieces last night, that really just came out of nowhere. Maybe its all the talk about this album, and being around all this creative energy...whatever it is, I like it! More later.

Updates!

So some updates on what I've been up to. After seeing the video for the "I am" piece that I did at Legacies back in February, one of the guys from Politic Live asked me to record the poem for their upcoming project entitled "Jali". I jumped at the chance! So I went into the studio to record, I didn't really know what to expect, but they were very welcoming. I had to do a few takes, because I'm thinking to myself...this is something that will stick around for a long time. I wanted it to be perfect. After doing the piece, Oozeela an artist on the Music for Mavericks label, started playing around with some music to accompany the piece. He is a brilliant musician! I am so in love with what he did with it! I just couldn't believe that it was real. Flash back to 2007, me at my first open mic. Now 2008 me in a studio recording? Unbelievable. So I'm sitting and chatting with the guys, and we get into a discussion about misconceptions, black men and black women, the workplace...you name it. Long story short, I ended up writing and recording 2 more poems. One about misconceptions between black men and black women, and the other about being a black female in the workplace. All 3 pieces went really well, and will be interludes on the album...I'm just super excited for the finished product, and to hear what people think of it. I also got to do a photo shoot for pictures of me (yes me!) that'll be included in the album package.

Oh but there's more! One of the guys suggested that I put together a spoken word album. Say what?? Me? huh? Well after I picked myself up off the floor, I thought..no..I can't possibly. What if no one likes it? What if I don't like it? What if it's terrible? The usual fears. Well... then I came to my senses. This is such a huge chance that I've been given, and to not take it would be ridiculous. So I'm going to do it!!! I'll be meeting with him this weekend to discuss grant applications, so that I can get the ball rolling on this. I am just beside myself with shear excitement. I cannot believe it!

aah!!

I got 12 sample sisterlocks today!!!! July 18th...the final lockdown! I'm beyond excited!!

The journey begins

Night of fire was great! I really need better ways to get over my nervousness though. The show was at the Winspear Centre in Edmonton, which is a pretty large and intimidating venue. Definitely the biggest place I've performed so far, which would explain why I was so nervous. I changed outfits about 5 times, and then finally settled on what I had arrived in lol. I was in a state of internal chaos up until I went out on stage, as per normal. I got really calm while I was actually up there, and then as soon as the last words leave my mouth it's chaos again and the need to get of the stage as quickly as possible. The show was great though, and I'm proud to have been a part of it.

So tomorrow is a pretty big day for me. Not too long ago, I made a decision to get sisterlocks. I've wanted to lock up my hair for quite a while, but never really knew about sisterlocks or considered them as an option. Well after much research and contemplating, I've decided to take the plunge. I get my first set of test locks tomorrow, which I'll keep in for a few weeks before I get a full head done. I am so excited! Like any other black female out there, I have been battling my hair for what feels like a lifetime. Natural to relaxed, long to short, color to no color. Braids, weaves, ponytails, wigs, twists...all of it! I've been there, and I'm just so ready to set myself free from this hair! And to the girl who helped me make this decision, thank you! And I'll be here to welcome you into the fold when you get yours :)

Other than that...nothing new to discuss, I've got a few things kind of in the works that I'll write on later.

Be beautiful without permission - Bassey Ikpi

Night of Fire

I'm performing at a show tomorrow called Night of Fire. It's a benefit concert for African immigrant and refugee youth, and funds raised at the even will go towards $5,000 scholarships for 10 students. I am so excited to be part of it! If you're in the edmonton area, make sure to check it out...it would be the best $25 you spent on a friday night. The main act is a reggae group called Souljah Fyah, for those of you who have heard them, you already know! For those who haven't, they are absolutely fantastic, so go and get a ticket immediately. Politic Live will also be performing, they're basically the face of hiphop in the edmonton community right now, and their community involvement is astounding. I've been blessed to work with them on their upcoming compilation called Jali (More on this later). This project will really bring to light the hidden struggles of immigrant or refugee students. Getting to Canada is really only the first half of the battle, they often find themselves with such a financial burden that they eventually drop out of school. We all know that education is KEY! Which is why this event is so important. So be there or be square!

Like water

Where do I start?? It really has been a very long time, and I've now shifted into a completely different phase in my life. I graduated from university, and I'm now a full time, 9 to 5, salaried employee! I'm actually really enjoying my job, but outside of that so many new and exciting things are happening! I continue to work on my #1 passion, poetry! I'm breaking out of my box and allowing myself to try new things, fall down... get back up again, I may slow down...but never turn around. When I look back at where I was even a year ago, it's amazing how far I've come. I've learned that in sharing my art, I open myself up to blessings I never thought possible. Yes, I know I haven't been very good at updating this blog...but I'm too busy living!!! There's so much going on right now that I'll share in time. I'm working on attaining and maintaining a mind like water, never overreacting or underreacting, but perfectly ready to absorb all that comes my way.
love love love!

I'm back

The school year is coming to an end, and for me it'll be the very last one. I'm almost done!! I've been at this thing for 5 years now and I couldn't be happier it over. At the same time it means a lot of big decisions, I guess it's time to grow up. I'm in the process of finding a job right now and I'm really nervous about making the right choice, because it not only affects me but my relationship as well. Ah.. choices. In my other life, the poetry thing is going really well, I've had 2 shows since the last one I posted about. Both went really well. I've also been invited to do another event mid april. In the mean time i'm working on a piece for a poetry contest at my university. First price is $1,000 and being published in the graduation book for my graduating class, pray for me :) That's about all that new with me right now. I have a few new pieces that i'll be posting soonish. This one's a bit older and is still untitled and unfinished heh!



Let it be your intellect
That turns heads
‘Cause eager eyes following lips and hips and dips
won’t gain respect.
Let it be the self knowledge
Radiating in your eyes
That gets you noticed
Know this
You are worth more than
Insolent lips raining catcalls
Than hands grabbing and tapping
Because you
are a temple

Let it be your wit
That commands applause
Not that hip swinging you think deserves praise
Find a cause
Let it be your kindness
That wins acclaim
You were born for greatness
no less
be that daughter, sister, mother, friend
who others aspire to be
be wise and see
That this skin is temporary
Your mind is all that will remain
Again

Let it be wisdom, and knowledge
That you find in that quiet
When the fantasies of adolescence
Gives way to the realization
That all along in feeding your heart and mind
You have truly filled your spirit

Self examination

So i've watched the video of my performance over and over, and even though everyone tells me how great it was, all I see is my hands. Haha. Why am I gesturing so wildly. Truth is I am my biggest critic. I set standards for myself that are sometimes ridiculous, but at the same time these standards are what set me apart and I love that. A year ago if someone told me I'd be performing poetry in front of a crowd of people, I would've run away crying. I really have come a long way and I'm loving my brave new self. I have a week off school which is fantastic. I've promised myself I'd write one new piece, and memorize one old one. I'm yet to do either, I'm the best procrastinator you'll ever meet. Every time I update my blog, I wonder if anyone out there actually reads it. I guess it doesn't really matter, because for me it's about keeping a record of myself somewhere out there so I can look back on it from time to time. It's all about pushing boundaries and I think it's about time I started doing that. So to the invisible reader out there, go out and do something brave today :)

Stepping out

This weekend was full of activity. I'm worn out. I was asked to do a piece for Legacies '08, a black history month event being held in Calgary by a group of talented individuals known as Collectively Eclectic. I'd been so excited to do it. I had a bus ticket booked for 5:30 pm for me and 2 of my friends who are part of my step team that actually battled another team at the show. We didn't end up leaving the city till almost 7 pm. The bus driver and all the other employees at the bus station were completely unapologetic about it too. Trying to sass ME!! Man I have a few words to say to greyhound. But we finally made it there 3+ hours later and went straight to bed. The show the next day was FANTASTIC! So much talent in one room...It was just too much. I have to applaud the people who put this event together. It was just a great great great evening. African dancers, drummers, steppers, break dancers, singers etc. Good times. The poem was very well received. I completely skipped over a verse which I cried like a baby about later, but no one noticed and the reception was heart warming. My team also won the step battle which was great. I'm just really glad that I'm making such strides getting out of my shell, sharing my poetry and opening new and exciting doors for myself. Life is good :)

Here's the piece...

I am
Gap tooth girl
back corner of class
Scribbling left-handed poetry on blank paper
Save the school’s curriculum for later

I am
Overflowing ancient African
Tales by moonlight
That informal education
Connecting and overlapping
Modern history

I am
Fast and fluent Yoruba
Criss crossing English
Hidden messages in
prose and proverbs
Call it “Yorubanglish”

I am
Rich Hi-life rhythm
marrying heavy hip-hop beats
That pop lockin’, 1-2 stepping
Blended over back bending
fluid hip shaking

I am
Sky high gele
Bold and beautiful
Meets super stretch skinny jeans
Cowry shells wrapping wrists
Bright and wonderful
They call it “Afro-centric”

I am
Perfect pendulum swinging
Afro…Canadian
Legacies of age old traditions
Incantations of ancient griots
Free flowing spoken word poetry

I
cling tightly on to Africa
This land that shaped me
I watch as poverty, corruption
And lack of opportunity
Inspires creativity
And still leaves room for
Unexplainable hope
Unbelievable strength

I stand deeply rooted in its culture
Reinforced by the history in it soils
While looking on at new horizons
Blending old and new
This wonderful fusion of
Traditional
contemporary
This is who I am…

Home again

Going back home was definitely an experience. The flight was long and uncomfortable, punctuated by the anticipation of just getting there. When I finally arrived it was like something literally changed in the air, like something came alive. Anyone who has ever had the naija airport experience knows that it is one of kind. Its something like a race to finish, everyone scrambling to get through the "immigration" and somehow fight through the crowd to get their luggage. Some people have this down to an art, slip a few naira notes into a hand here or there and you could cut your waiting time in half. The entire time I am thinking, where's the fire?

I knew immediately that I was truly home. I haven't felt so completely connected to everything around me in a long time. I absolutely loved it! Its amazing how much things can change in 10 years yet remain surprisingly the same. Even though I returned for my grandfather's funeral, the biggest thing on my mind was seeing my last living grandparent. My grandmother on my father's side is all I have left in terms of grandparents and I knew I just absolutely HAD to see her. There's a greater kind of appreciation you have for your grandparents when you're able to look at them with new, more mature eyes. All her wisdom just seeps from her skin. I've never known anyone more God fearing and spiritual than my grandmother. On the drive to her house from mine, a 30 minute drive in reality, but in naija traffic 1-2 hours, I could barely contain myself. I had this fear even on the flight to Nigeria that somehow along the way, she would pass away before I got a chance to see her.

We finally arrived and I all but flew up the stairs and knocked excitedly on the door. No answer. Knocked again. Then from somewhere inside the house a small voice. She was even smaller than I remembered. Barely 5 feet tall, 100 pounds soaking wet. It's hard to imagine that someone so small and fragile has seen so much life. We sat and visited with her for a while, she wanted to know everything that's been going on our lives. Work, school, boyfriends, in order that she might pray for my sisters and I everyday like she already does. I hated having to leave her. I pray that I get to see her again soon.

My grandfather's funeral was indeed a celebration of life. One thing I love about Nigerian culture. Funerals, when it comes to those who have lived a long and fruitful life, are looked upon with joy and happiness. There was some crying, but I remember mostly dancing, laughing and fond memories. My mom asked me 2 days before my trip, to write a tribute to my grandfather to put in the program for the funeral. I struggled to do so in between packing and final exams and eventually wrote something that I'm still unsatisfied with till this day. I recently wrote a poem to express the frustration I felt about not being able to find the words.

Grandpa Igbobi

I wanted to write you a poem
Etch you bold and timeless
Wanted to sing your praise
Find words to describe you flawless
Dug deep in the recess of memory
To piece together
Smell, touch, sound

I wanted to write you a poem
Something to look back on
In remembrance
Speak of your success
Give you one last dance
Show your legacy in your
Children, grandchildren, great grandchildren

I wanted to write you a poem
Fluid and beautiful
Tell of your kindness
Show your strength
Explain your quiet nature
Describe you
Smile, suit, mahogany cane

I just couldn’t find the words
Didn’t know the things to say
To describe you
Truly and completely
I just couldn’t find the words
To paint you vibrant and wonderful

But your poetry
Is in
Yewande, Eniola, Funke,
Adeola, Abiola, Abimbola,
Funlola, Adebiyi, Somide,
Morenike, Ibilola, Afolake,
Ayodele, Olukemi, Ibilola Coker,
Taiwo, Kehinde, Dupe,
Tunde, Oluwaseun, Ayoola,
Morgan, Korede, Blake.

In me

Asa

I was just recently introduce to an artist named Asa, and my goodness! She is just a breath of fresh air, a fellow Nigerian so you know I couldn't be more proud. Her music speaks to something deep inside of me and I just can't help but love her. There is just so much talent coming out of Nigeria its amazing.
more later

Stories left unfinished...

Its been too too long, and truth be told I have no excuse. When I started this blog, I just knew I had to. But I have a habit of starting things and being very passionate about it, and then not having enough strength to finish. My blog sits on my bookmark a screaming reminder of another thing left unfinished. So much has happened since I last posted. I had been working on a poem for my grandmother who's funeral I never got to attend in Nigeria, eventually I got up the courage to share it with my friends. The day after I did that, my grandfather passed away. I didn't think I could stomach missing yet another farewell, so I headed home after almost 10 years away. It was a journey I needed to take and I savored every minute of it, this time I wanted to remember every smell, every feeling. My memory has failed me many times before, stolen from me a name, a face, some song I once loved. I really hate not remembering things. I'll have more to say about my trip back a little later.


For Mama

It must have been
White table cloth
Stiff, starched clean
Candles on home made cake
ready to be blown
Smiling faces celebrating you
Friend, sister, mother, grandmother
65 years strong

And then the heave
of quickening numbing pain
Shhh...she whispers be still
Rubbing 9 month heavy belly
Tired, hot, swollen
And even then I was too stubborn to listen
And too greedy to miss a party
So I arrived August 15, 1985
Blue faced, cord around my neck
Nothing was going to stop me
Your 65 year old face
Looking into my 5 minute old face
Thinking, child you’ve got some nerve

But you were my hero
Truly superhuman
We all called you mama
Young and old
You truly mothered us all
I only want to remember you this way
Not 85 years too tired legs
Slipping and falling on ceramic tile
Not the crunch crack of heavy hip bone
I don’t know those eyes quiet and ready
Too old to fight

I have no memory of that
Cold, lifelessness
None of trumpets
and tearful dancing
None of the thick thud
Of silt sand
On that wooden box
I only know you
Bright eyed, bubbling laughter
I only know you
Soft hands
Gentle smile
I only know you
Loving
Healing
Teaching
Mama